Life isn't always clear to me...

Dear Life,
I learned something new recently.  I learned that loving is a giving thing. Now, I can't speak for anyone else, but for myself and I can say this right now, I'm too selfish to love anyone right now, because I have this fear of loving someone completely and getting hurt again.  I understand that  loving is part of life, and it comes with good and bad.  I'm at the point in my life where I am wondering whether I will ever have someone who will love me enough to tell me the truth, no matter how difficult it can be.  I"m wondering if I will ever get a chance to really show that person that I love in a way that a woman would want to be loved: Cherished, and loved in many way.
I'm sitting here on my couch and it is 11:00pm and I'm asking myself this questions:  If you hurt someone with what you perceive to be their and your best interests in mind, while simultaneously knowing that what you are doing will hurt that person, is it any different than actively trying to hurt the person. Is it possible to want to hurt someone you love in an extreme moment but still love and care for that person? Is it possible to call that love? Is it possible to be selfish, and treat that person like they are nothing, just because you are looking out for yourself, and not them?  I know the bible calls for forgiving that person and moving on, but it's never that easy to do so.  Yes, so many questions, but no answers. I'm confused about everything. I'm not sure If I ever will understand this whole thing.. why people hurt each other, why people claim to love and care for that person and still hurt them in a way that may affect them for long time.. I'm not sure of anything. Right now, I'm confused. I think I'll get on my knee and say a prayer.

Taking a Chance....

I'll keep it short and simple...  Lately, I've been thinking about life.. and how we are given a chance to accomplish something in life, whether it is job opportunities, love life, going out and live life in a way you would want to.  I feel I've failed a lot this year when it comes to taking chances. Every since I got laid off, I've come to realize about life:  Life is filled with opportunities and potential and that is one of the greatest things that it offers to us.  IT is our to take.  

We are so busy trying to organize our life in a way that we think should be perfect and we often forget to take a chance..... We're so busy consuming with how things should be right in our mind, and we don't listen to our heart.  Is that how we really should be living? As I look back on my life in the past two years... I don't regret taking any of the chances I took, but there are plenty that I regretted not taking a chance on. My advice for those out there:  Live life the way it's supposed to be, be open to any possibilities. Life is amazing. Give it a chance.   

The Truth I didn't want to hear

These days, I’m spending more time at home, reflecting back on what I’ve gone through in the past two months. You know how we are having great time in our lives and we are just riding along, enjoying life; and all of suddenly, You get hit with unexpected? That’s what happened to me. I will never forget the day I was called into the office and was given a layoff notification.  That was the worst feeling anyone can have.  My heart sank. I didn’t feel good.  It took me few days to finally accept that I no longer had a job with Lockheed Martin.   Through all of this, I have come to a realization- I am so focused on trying to find a job, and I forgot to depend on God. I forgot to let God take care of this messy situation for me.  So many times when we are faced with a situation, God is trying to tell us something.   I think in my case, He is trying to tell me to place my faith in him and let him take care of this for me.

I always thought that my friends would always be there for me, no matter what. Well, I found out a lot about what kind of friends I had.   You see, in my opinion, true friends will always be there for you, no matter what.and an opportunities opens the door, You will find who’s there for you and who’s not there for you.  Keep that in mind, Jesus was abandoned by those to whom he was closest.

I had a crisis, and found that people I counted on let me down. The good part is that I found true friends in places I never expected.  To those who were there from me from the beginning and continue to do so, thank you.  You guys were my rock, and gave me encouraging words.   I have faith that I will have a new job soon, and when I do…. I will take my true friends out to dinner. 

God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them.  ~Author Unknown

Why it's so hard to meet a good woman.... ( Male point of view)

Many women will claim that they want men to respect them for who they are, and treat them with respect and dignity. Why is it, though, that whenever push comes to shove, and they actually meet a man who treats them well, they find him boring, or they take all their vengeance on the male species out on him, suspecting he'll put up with it, thinking he's a push-over? 

Why are they afraid to get close to him, emotionally speaking? Why do women CREATE unnecessary conflict in such relationships? Why are they more drawn to men who will emotionally and/or physically abuse them? Do they feel safer in a relationship where they are being used rather than loved, since it is less effort to get a man to use them than to love them? Are women that influenced by the media, or is there more to this that I am not seeing?

If you are an exception to this, please don't take offense. Rather understand, though, that at least from my perspective, you seem to be an exception, not the norm.

Also, how much(and what) can a man put up with, before he truly should be considered a push-over? We want to be nice and kind and forgive her 70 x 7 times, but at what point do we need to dump her?

Past and the Present: The Journey never ends

                     

Past:

First of all, 2010 was a year of growth and exploration. It was one of the most unusual years for me. Here are some of the highlights from 2010:

•          Dealing with My Aunt Nettie and My cousin Cam’s death within two weeks apart of each other.
•          Developing and maintaining my relationship with people I love ( dating, family and friends) 
•       Pushed myself beyond the limit just to accomplish goals at work. (Working overtimes and  weekends)
•          Dealing with my father’s sickness and being in hospital for several weeks)
•          Dealing with the breakup with my ex and handling it emotionally and mentally.
•         Drama going on with family and friends.

In many ways, I would say it has been a chaotic year for me. If you had to sit here and think about it, you would think that I placed high emphasis on stability, security and loyal in 2010. I admit I spent lot of time pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone, and I know I have pushed people’s boundaries as well. I did that to get people to try new things. I can definitely say that 2010 was very stressful year and I went through a lot, but at the same time, I did experience new things.  I feel like I really lived this year, not in the sense of living it up, but in the sense of having “had a life” outside of work. I did a number of things just for the experience because I’d never done them before.

 It really felt good to push myself to move in new directions, especially after all the tribulations occurred in the past year. I found myself rediscovering myself as an individual that I could be proud of. I had to take a look at my values and evaluate what was important to me in my life. What are my priorities and what do I want in life? I decided that I wanted to explore experience and contribute in life.   I guess you can say that I spent some time exploring personal growth in 2010 and I don’t have any regrets about that.

Present:

Since 2010 was very intense and difficult year for me, I’ve decided to continue my personal growth into 2011, because I’m still learning from my experiences in 2010 and I feel while it is important to set new goals for this year, I must remember to use the experiences in 2010 as guidance to make myself better overall in many aspects of my life.

My new goals for this year are to make sure I have an opportunity to enjoy my freedom, the freedom to enjoy life. I want the freedom to be not chained to work.  I want the freedom to be able to express myself honestly and openly, and not willing to conform to other’s expectations in order to get what I want.  I want fun, excitement, challenges this year. I want to experience new things! I’m excited about what this year will bring, because you’ll never know what will happen.

  

Kiss in the Rain

Last night, I had a dream about this girl I had just met.  All I remember is that we were stepping out of the car and into street, and the rain was slowly falling hitting the ground softly. I remember this girl was wrapping her arm around my neck and my hand on her waist. Our eyes were focused on each other, like we didn't have any care in the world. I leaned in and whispered into her ear, " You know You always are smiling, and there's no room for any tears in your heart."  Then I watched her smiling with joy and for a moment, our lips touched each other, in the rain, in middle of nowhere.  We kissed with passion. I held her tight and for a moment, I thought  I heard the angels crying, and what a beautiful sound it was. I never knew that a kiss could be perfect with the right girl. I felt her pulling my lower lips and what a feeling it was! My whole body tingled, like I lost control temporarily. That's all I remembered... I promise you, If you don't know what perfection is... Kissing in the rain will give you that perfect feeling, if done with the right one.  There's lot of things in the world that can take away pain, but kissing in the rain.. takes the cake. You know what... I'll never know who that girl was, but I can assure you, she's here, I just haven't met her yet.

Every woman needs...

A woman needs...

needs a real man, who can ... who will support her talent instead of tear her down. 

 needs a man who doesn't mind sharing her with  his computer because he knows whatever success she achieve from my goals that she do will eventually benefit him.

needs a man to understand her passion for life and she knows he will support her no matter what. 

 needs a man who understands when she is focused on something important, knows that he might as well hang it up if he wanted something from her. Although sometimes a woman will amaze him, when she drop what I'm doing and see what he wants or sometimes take a break, get a "whopping release" from him - which we all  have done before and not even realized it. "Oh my Lord, it's four in the morning already," is a very familiar phrase.(Yeah, that's TMI)

need a man who will understand that  her house will never look like the Brady Brunch unless he employees a maid or do it himself.

need a man who will know she can cook, she just choose to do it three times out the week and two of them might consist of a well put together Banquet meal and a pot pie from the microwave.

need a man to know that there's a meaning to her madness, but if he just waits for the end product it will make sense.

need a man to know that she have a father already who will move mountains for me, a job that takes care of her benefits and pays the necessary bills, and a retirement built up that will make sure she do not need anything financially once she decide to stop working, but needs a man who will want to make her unbelievably out of her mind happy, who will be the rock she need to lean on, and the one who she can be vulnerable with, becauseit's hard work being the strong black woman all the time 24/7. And that's very rare to see that these day.

need a man who can find his own hobby and not sit around twiddling his thumbs and constantly asking me, "what are we doing tonight"

 

need a man who will kiss  her tired fingers, bring her an Lemon Sweet Tea when he knows She's dead tired, and can't do anything.

need a man who will run her a hot bath, with candles burning with Barry White playing in background, giving her a bath, and then drying her off with a towel, and put her to bed, doing it because he knows she've had a hard day.

needs a man who will stare into her eyes, and tell her that everything is going to be okay, and kisses her on forehead and all of sudden the world just got better.

needs a man who not only showers her with gifts, but showers with love, affection and hugs.