Confusion

Loud chatter echoes from the back of the room. My eyes dart to the notes on the board, and then I duck my head and scribble them down.  I raise my head again to listen to my co-worker talking, but it is nearly impossible to hear him with the noise behind me. My eyes flick to the coworker, next to me, but my co-worker is busy writing down notes and not paying attention to me. I'm sitting here missing key information, which I need to know.  Suddenly, I hear everyone start talking at the same time, and things become confusing and I struggle to sort the whole chaos going on.  Sadly, the scene I described was all too common at work for the past few years. The managers in the back row and all the chatting co-workers were difficult for me to keep up.  One thing that most people don't know about me is that I am profoundly deaf and I use a hearing aid to help me hear. The hearing aid doesn't allow me to hear as well as a person with normal hearing.

One of the disadvantages of being deaf with hearing aids is that it is very difficult to understand a person who mumbles badly or has a thick accent. I sometime struggle to understand people in crowds, noisy environments and It's not always easy to adjust to it.  It's not just work I have trouble dealing with, but it's with my friends as well. People often forget that I am hearing impaired, and they need to learn to take the time to make sure I understand what is going on. Many times, I've been left out of the conversation and it hurt my feelings.  I've struggled throughout my life trying to fit in this world called " hearing" It's a world where all people who has perfect hearing, perfect speech exists.   There is another world for deaf people, and it's called “Deaf" I don't fit in with both worlds. I'm a misfit.  I have no home.  I struggle to find respect in both worlds, and it's not always easy.   In the deaf world, I'm viewed as someone who is stuck-up, thinks he knows it all, just because I have a Master Degree and I don't draw disability checks like most deaf people does.  They expect me to struggle in this life with little or no money.  Now, the hearing world. I'm perceived as someone who is “special child" who just happened to get lucky with his college education and working at Lockheed Martin.  I struggle, I tell you. No matter how hard I work, NO matter how hard I try.. I'm always reminded that there is limit and I can't go over that, because of my disability.  I've always wondered if my ex-girlfriends left me because of my hearing loss and I don't care what anyone says, I do know that it does play a role in a relationship, and most people just can't handle that.  I've always wondered if that is the reason why I can't find a job.  I've always wondered I never get invited to hang with my friends, because of my hearing loss.  Believe it or not, No matter what people say, they always judge me because of what's in my ears, not what's in my heart. 

That is why; I can't afford to be like a normal person with hearing.  One thing I've learned when I was younger is that... no matter what I am good at, whether it is at sports, school, reading, I'm always going to work twice as hard just to be recognized for something I shouldn't have to work hard for.  That's the theme of my life.  That's what I deal with on daily basis.  I don't have time to sit back and enjoy life, because the minute I slip up, is when they find a way to get rid of me.  That's what happened to me at Lockheed.  Never again.   Things I've gone through, most of you haven't.  Things I've gone through, I've never told anyone about and yes it's that deep.  I made a promise to myself that next time; I have to work twice as hard to make sure I stay ahead of the game at all costs.  I can't afford to lose.  I'm a black male and I'm deaf.  It's already hard enough being a black man. Now, try being a deaf man as well.  Yeah.  It's harder than you think. Life isn't fair, but we make the most out of it.